Understanding Your Feedback

Subject: Feedback Available - Essay 1 Draft 2

Hi Sarah,

Your feedback for Essay 1: Personal Narrative (Draft 2) 
is now available in FeedForward.

Course: ENGL101 - Introduction to Academic Writing
Instructor: Dr. Jane Smith
Submitted: October 10, 2024
Feedback Ready: October 11, 2024

View Your Feedback: [Click Here]

Best regards,
The FeedForward Team

🔔 New Notification
Feedback ready for Essay 1 Draft 2

Essay 1: Personal Narrative
Status: ✅ Feedback Available
[View Feedback]

Feedback Report
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Assignment: Essay 1: Personal Narrative
Draft: 2 of 3
Submitted: October 10, 2024, 2:47 PM
Reviewed: October 11, 2024, 10:15 AM

Overall Score: 82% (B)
Improvement: +7% from Draft 1

📊 Quick Summary:
Your personal narrative shows significant improvement 
in organization and evidence use. The thesis is now 
clearer, and your examples effectively support your 
main points. Focus on strengthening your conclusion 
and addressing minor grammatical issues for your 
final draft.

Instructor Note:
"Great progress, Sarah! Your revisions really 
strengthened the essay's impact. Let's discuss 
your conclusion strategy during office hours."

Rubric Evaluation
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📝 Thesis Statement (20% of grade)
Score: 17/20 (85%) ↑ +3 from Draft 1
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Your thesis "Social media has fundamentally altered 
how my generation forms and maintains friendships" 
is clear and arguable. It effectively previews your 
main points about online vs. offline relationships.

Strengths:
✓ Clear, specific claim
✓ Arguable position
✓ Sets up essay structure

Area for Improvement:
• Consider adding why this matters to make the 
  thesis more compelling

💡 Suggestion:
Add a "so what" element: "...friendships, creating 
both new opportunities for connection and unexpected 
challenges for authentic relationships."

📚 Evidence & Support (25% of grade)
Score: 21/25 (84%) ↑ +4 from Draft 1
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Your use of personal anecdotes and research has 
improved significantly. The example about your 
online gaming friendship (paragraph 3) effectively 
illustrates your point about digital connections.

Strengths:
✓ Mix of personal and researched evidence
✓ Specific, detailed examples
✓ Evidence clearly supports claims

Areas for Improvement:
• Second body paragraph needs stronger example
• One source needs proper citation

💡 Suggestions:
1. Add specific dialogue or scene to paragraph 2
2. Fix citation for Smith (2023) - missing page number
3. Consider adding one more scholarly source

Grade Scale:
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A  (93-100%): Exceptional work
A- (90-92%):  Excellent work
B+ (87-89%):  Very good work
B  (83-86%):  Good work
B- (80-82%):  Above average work
C+ (77-79%):  Slightly above average
C  (73-76%):  Average work
C- (70-72%):  Below average
D  (60-69%):  Poor work
F  (0-59%):   Failing work

Your Score Calculation:
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Thesis (20%):      17/20 × 0.20 = 3.4
Evidence (25%):    21/25 × 0.25 = 5.25
Organization (20%): 18/20 × 0.20 = 3.6
Style (20%):       16/20 × 0.20 = 3.2
Grammar (15%):     13/15 × 0.15 = 1.95
                   ________________
Total:             82/100 = 82% (B)

Draft Comparison:
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         Draft 1  Draft 2  Change
Overall:   75%     82%     +7% ↑
Thesis:    14      17      +3 ↑
Evidence:  17      21      +4 ↑
Org:       15      18      +3 ↑
Style:     15      16      +1 ↑
Grammar:   12      13      +1 ↑

🎯 Most Improved: Evidence (+4)
⚠️ Focus Next: Style & Grammar

🌟 Key Strengths Identified:

1. Organization
   "Your essay follows a clear chronological structure 
   that effectively guides readers through your 
   experience with online friendships."

2. Voice and Style
   "Your personal voice comes through authentically, 
   making the narrative engaging and relatable."

3. Introduction
   "The opening anecdote immediately draws readers 
   in and sets up your thesis naturally."

🔧 Areas for Improvement:

1. Conclusion (Moderate Priority)
   Current: "Your conclusion restates the thesis but 
   doesn't synthesize your insights or look forward."

   Suggestion: "Try ending with reflection on how 
   understanding these changes helps you navigate 
   both online and offline relationships. What have 
   you learned? How will you apply it?"

   Example: "Understanding how social media has 
   changed friendship hasn't made me delete my 
   accounts—it's helped me use them more intentionally, 
   balancing digital connection with face-to-face 
   moments that technology can't replace."

📍 Specific Text References:

Paragraph 3, Lines 4-6:
Your text: "Me and my friend Jake met in a game 
and we talk every day even though we never met 
in real life."

Feedback: "This example effectively illustrates 
your point about online friendships. Consider 
revising for grammar: 'Jake and I met in a game. 
We talk every day, even though we've never met 
in person.'"

Why this change?
- Correct pronoun case (Jake and I)
- Fix run-on sentence
- More formal tone ('in person' vs 'in real life')

Revision Action Plan
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Priority 1: High-Impact Changes (Do First)
□ Rewrite conclusion with synthesis
□ Add page number to Smith citation
□ Fix comma splices in paragraphs 3 & 5

Priority 2: Medium-Impact Changes
□ Strengthen example in paragraph 2
□ Add transition before paragraph 4
□ Vary sentence beginnings

Priority 3: Polish (If Time)
□ Replace repeated words
□ Check all punctuation
□ Read aloud for flow

Time Estimate: 3-4 hours total

Revision Log
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✓ Conclusion rewritten - added synthesis
✓ Smith citation - added page 45
✓ Paragraph 3 comma splice - fixed
✓ Paragraph 5 comma splice - fixed
✓ New example in paragraph 2 - personal story
⚡ Transition added before paragraph 4
⚡ Working on sentence variety
○ Final proofreading pending

AI Analysis Sources:
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This feedback synthesizes insights from:
• GPT-4 (3 evaluations)
• Claude-3 (3 evaluations)
• Aggregate score: Weighted average

Why multiple models?
- Diverse perspectives
- Increased accuracy
- Balanced evaluation
- Reduced bias

Comparative Performance (Anonymous):
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Your Score: 82%
Class Metrics:
- Average: 78%
- Median: 79%
- Your Rank: Above Average

Rubric Category Comparison:
           You  Class Avg
Thesis:    85%    80%    ↑
Evidence:  84%    75%    ↑
Org:       90%    82%    ↑
Style:     80%    78%    ↑
Grammar:   87%    85%    ↑

📚 Recommended Resources:

For Conclusion Writing:
- [Writing Center: Effective Conclusions]
- [Video: Synthesis Strategies]
- Sample conclusions handout

For Grammar:
- [Comma Splice Exercise]
- [Grammar checking tool]
- Office hours Tuesday 2-4 PM

For Citations:
- [MLA Citation Guide]
- [Citation generator]
- Library research help

Your Progress Graph:
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Score
100% ┤
 90% ┤                    ○ (projected)
 80% ┤           ●───────/
 70% ┤    ●─────/  82%
 60% ┤ 75%
 50% ┤
     └─────┬─────┬─────┬─────
        Draft 1  Draft 2  Draft 3

Common Patterns:
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Big Jump (65% → 80% → 85%):
- Major structural changes
- Significant new content
- Addressed core issues

Steady Climb (72% → 79% → 85%):
- Consistent improvements
- Building on strengths
- Incremental refinement

Plateau Pattern (75% → 78% → 79%):
- Minor changes only
- Missing key feedback
- Need bigger revisions

Next Draft Checklist:
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

□ Schedule revision time (3-4 hours)
□ Gather resources mentioned
□ List specific changes to make
□ Set milestone checkpoints
□ Plan to submit 24+ hours early
□ Book writing center appointment
□ Prepare questions for instructor